Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Reflecting on turning 4

It has been MONTHS since I have update via the blog.  You have Facebook to thank for that.  I find it is easier to just put Sadie updates out on Facebook...but, I have so much to say about Sadie turning 4.

I  have been thinking lots lately about Sadie's birthmom.  We know nothing really about her, so we can only assume by what we do know.

It was 4 years ago on this day that at 34 weeks pregnant, she walked into a hospital and had a saline abortion administered to end the life of the baby girl with Hydrocephalus she was carrying.  It was 4 years ago today that God miraculously intervened.

In the past, when thinking about this, I use to have so much anger about the abortion act itself.  Being a mom, I just can not understand anyone ending the life of an unborn child.  Being extremely PRO-LIFE, to take the life of another....a voiceless child...seemed nothing short of barbaric. Asking the questions about Sadie's brain injury, vision loss, hearing loss, Cerebral Palsy....were those the result of the abortion...is pointless, but for some reason seems to be one that MANY people ask.  To us it's like the chicken and the egg.  Doesn't matter which was first.

More recently, looking at Sadie in my arms, I've started to wonder what she looks like...Sadie's birthmom.  She must have been beautiful.  I picture her with fine features, curly eye lashes, dark expressive eyes, small hands and just a radiant, light up her entire face, smile....like my Sadie's.

Thinking about Sadie's birth story, we have to conclude that her birthmom must have had access to money, as she DID Have an ultrasound, that diagnosed her Hydrocephalus.  In addition...the fact that she went INTO the hospital to have the abortion, verses trying to abort on her own, cements the facts to us, that she must come from a family that has financial resources.

But then, thinking further into that theory, no amount of money would have ever given them the resources to properly care for Sadie in Ghana.  Her life there would be one more than likely full of pain, malnutrition, illness and certain early death.

Those thoughts now have me thinking that maybe the choice to abort Sadie was not selfish...but in her mind....the only OPTION.  Maybe she knew that her life would be one of suffering, and as a mom, I could not bare watching my child live a LIFE of suffering.

Today I am asking for prayers....pray for Sadie's birthmom to feel forgiveness if she needs to be forgiven.  To feel the love we give to her daughter....on down to her.  To feel Christ's love for her. To know PEACE that her daughter is well.  She may not even know that Sadie has survived, and not only survived, but is THRIVING.  Pray she feels an abundance of peace on this day!

This birthday has been incredibly difficult.  Today is just a pool of emotions for me personally.  I have been dreading this day really for quite some time.

Four. The year I stopped looking at all my other kids as "toddlers".  The year they REALLY became independent.  My other kids were potty trained and on their way to pre-school.  I could carry on real conversations with them.  They all started playing sports and just really started being "busy".

Four looks very different for Sadie.  It's hard not to think about the milestones that have been missed, the ones that will never be and be fearful for what the future holds.  As she gets bigger I worry about how we will snuggle her.  She loves her snuggles.  How will we continue to lift/carry her?  We can't get insurance to cover a chair for her now...what roadblocks will we face down the road?  How much longer can we live in this house?  Where will we go?  When do we make the inevitable move?  I feel like when it comes to her shunt it's not a question of IF it will fail again...but WHEN will it fail again and our family will go thru the hell of living apart for weeks?

I have been struggling with her birthday party.  She can't eat cake or icecream.  She doesn't open presents.  I can honestly say, I don't think she knows when she is even given a gift.  I don't know what to buy for her, so I don't know what to suggest to grandparents.  I don't know how to celebrate "4" with her, so I have not planned any celebration.  Saying that outloud is HARD.  Every child deserves a birthday and to be recognized!  So, not only am I struggling with grief of having a child turning 4...who developmentally is NOT turning 4...but also guilt for not acknowledging that she is turning 4. 

I have learned that having a child with special needs is a life time of grieving "stages"....this is one...and grieving is OK! The pain is HARD and REAL.

Of course Sadie's story is truly one of BEAUTY from ASHES.  Even so, the exhaustion is real, the fear is real, the pain is real.

So there you have it! The BRUTAL  honesty of Sadie turning 4.

Someone suggested today that I spend a quiet evening at home...have each child speak words to her about what they love about her and telling her how special she is.  Give her the gift of love, voice and touch...all the things her senses can take in.  Certainly not the parties we are accustom to, but one that Sadie will enjoy.

Outside of turning 4, The Princess is doing quite well.  She has been struggling with a nasty virus that she just cannot kick.  Her seizures were increased for a bit, but with a med dosage change, we seem to have those under control.  Outside of that she is doing amazing at school and reaching her goals!  Her personality continues to make us laugh.  She is doing awesome at standing and really showing interest in moving/walking...all assisted, of course.  That progress makes my heart burst.  But she can be a stinker and when we want her to stand...but she doesn't...she will drop her entire body like a 32lb. sack of potatoes....and laugh.  She is a Daddy's girl all the way.  He can get  a response from her like nobody else.

For those who have committed us to prayer, we are so thankful.  Please don't stop.  This path is LONG.  Living with special needs is a Marathon and we need our cheerleaders every step of the way.

Happy Birthday to my SWEET MIRACULOUS LIFE CHANGER.  We love you more than you could ever imagine.


Sue said...

tears come, as I read this...
what a story, what a loved little 4 year old!
I love the birthday party idea, "the gift of touch!"
Continued hugs and prayers for your family and Sadie's birth mom

Kelli TenHaken said...

Thanks for sharing your heart! I have so many of the same feelings about Ruby. Birthdays can be especially tough. Your friendship has been an incredible blessing. Thanks for being honest about the grief and the blessings. Hugs my friend!